I wondered what’s it all about
What is it that’s causing this whole stir?
I asked my mind – “Do you have any clue?”
“Do you think it’s because of the flu?”
My mind replied -” Your thoughts are on a discourse in here.”
“Not able to decide how to make me cheer.”
Oh! That’s why all this fuss?
Am I not content enough?
Probably I need some chocolate milk
And then the cacophony, shall I be able to bilk
That’s how I bribe my mind
Oh Chocolate! You are utterly kind
For now you helped the din cease
And the thoughts are finally at peace
Leafless trees growing out of snow-wrapped soil
Bushes trying their luck to get a sneak peek of the sky above
The invisible wind blowing with all its might
The white drizzle and the cool air share a camaraderie
Meanwhile I try to find a grip in the slippery icy pavement
And breathe in the chilled air and rub my palms for warmth
My eyes soothe themselves with the white winter before it gets somberly
I glance as far as I can through my blinds
The cloudy dark sky is studded with some scattered stars
The streets are all lit up and add to the snowy reflection
And the white glittery snow and the mighty black sky somehow chime
The steels and concretes stand tall amidst this affair
Embracing the chill and flaunting a white snow coat atop,
they keep the common man warm beneath
and in their glory they play their part quite fair
The nature’s elements beautifully coordinate
Sometimes giving the clouds a chance to canopy
And sometimes letting the sun peek-a-boo
After a wet spell the nature lets the sun radiate
I sit by my window breathing the calm
Mesmerized by such a flawless and glorious affair
I see the snow, I see the light, I see the dark
I feel good affected by the nature’s and winter’s charm!
I once heard someone say in passing – “Do things while you can. Life keeps getting complicated with time.” Nothing negative I draw from this statement. Life keeps piling up things – good and bad. And any pile for that matter is complicated. There is a mix of orderliness and disorderliness in that pile. From the outset, it does look disorderly. But a part of it, if not all, is always sorted.
Now, being a kid is just a part of that pile. As a kid, my pile (read life) was more or less organized. There was a routine. Breakfast, school, play, assignment, dinner, bed. The only detours were Sundays, holidays and vacations. And those were pleasant detours. And none of the detours were unexpected either in a good or a bad way. So if I summarize, my childhood was mundane in a very pleasant way. No complaints to this day about that phase!
And now the pile is so rich! Cluttered rich! It has become a melange of expected and unexpected events. But alongside the clutter reside some very defining elements that allow the pile to stay in equilibrium. The balance does not always seem perfect. The clutter at times, to be honest most of the times, outweighs the order. And I find myself recklessly looking for that order. In the process of doing that, I just wreck the pile more. Strange, but true. And here’s where I think I got somewhere close to an answer. I would definitely prefer order to outweigh. But doing that will anyhow destroy the equilibrium. I want the kid in me to be alive and simultaneously let my pile grow. It will accumulate a mixture of wonders and disappointments. That in turn will help maintain that “perfect” balance I seek.
I have complaints now, lots of them! But they help me express and have a moment of pride as I write this. Because from my pile, I found a novice writer within me!
You are in a queue and an hour later you are still in the queue. There’s still time for your turn.
At the metro station, you lean over the platform and your eyes stretch as far as they can hoping the next train will take you where you want to go, but it’s not there yet.
Sometimes when I think I am there, I am not there yet. Sometimes when I think this is it, it isn’t yet. My mind wonders and wanders hoping to find an answer to “Why not yet?” But then, there is no answer yet.
Patience is definitely a virtue. But no book mentions how much of it is a virtue. I haven’t found this quantified yet! I feel it’s a very demanding virtue. Rather a greedy one. It asks me to stay calm and composed, keep waiting as long I can. But it never tells me if it’s already my turn.
There are infinitely many things I am waiting on. And the amount of patience that I have to hold on to definitely is random. Its distribution is a monotone non decreasing function with respect to time. There seems to be no damping. Forget damping, it does not even oscillate. It’s proud to behave as a cumulative distribution function.
I keep waiting and thinking, when is it my turn anyway? Food did arrive at my table. I got out of the queue finally. The train took me where I wanted to go. But patience grew more greedy. It asked me to wait a rather long wait. Again, it did not quantify how long. It loves the law of probability. But it never specifies a confidence interval. I guess it’s lost in its greed. Or may be I am lost because of its greed. When I come out of it, then will be my turn. That’s what I feel. However nonsensical I may sound!
You know exactly what to say when I do not want to listen to anything. You make sure I do not go the wrong way when I act like a snub. You know exactly how bland I like my food to be. You let me ask stupid questions only to help me find an answer to my problem. You know what I like to always find in the refrigerator when I am hungry. You reiterate what I say to you when I know and you know I am right. You know every trick to make me eat a vegetable that I loathe. You know I won’t take the trouble of getting up from my chair to get a glass of water and you don’t mind getting it for me ever. You do a lot of other amazing things and you know how you do it. I do not have a clue and I do not think I will ever have a clue.
Sitting on my bed, I am retrospecting how have I transitioned from an immature cry baby to a mature, more understanding, less emotional woman (Umm.. woman does not sound good to me, but I accept that I have grown up!). Living a life in a place that is still strange to me makes me wonder how strong and tolerant I have become through the years.
After the 4 years of undergrad, there began yet another new phase. And this phase started at a new place. It was farther than what my hostel was from home. This phase is another story in itself. I will love to write about it. Some other time. But the point is , a midst complaining, struggling, laughing, enjoying, spending money and a lot of other things, I learnt a lot. A lot about dealing with situations. A lot about acting independently. The “dependence” syndrome did not die though. I made sure to call up my parents at least 5 times a day and let them know everything I did . And I called them not just to inform them about what I did. But implicitly, it was to make sure that I am doing the right thing! Making sure I am doing the wise thing!
And here, today, I am in an entirely different time zone from theirs. My comfort zone seldom exists. I miss grumbling. I miss throwing tantrums. But the invisible connection that links me to them is quite strong. It helps me survive! It eases my troubles. I hate having grown up. But I guess we all need to grow up. Because even if we grow up and add one to our age each year, we still are kids for our parents. And I love carrying the single child symptoms around. I am still dependent. On myself.
This is how we all grow up as a person. Build a niche for ourselves. Learn through the phases in life. And at times sit and retrospect! Just to connect the dots in the sky!
But the point is you create that moment. And you live the moment.
Every morning I take the bus to school and then take another bus from school to the place of my work. The bus to school drops me 30 minutes before the bus to work. In the 30 minutes that I get, I make sure to do something, however petty it may be, to give a cheerful start/kick to myself before work. And for 2 months now, that thing has been clicking pictures.
It may sound cliched. Everyone around us these days happens to have a camera ( a dslr or a non-dslr ) and clicks awesome pictures with every passing day. I have met a lot of people with a passion for photography. A passion to express themselves through the pictures they click. An urge to tell a story with each moment they capture. This is where they create a moment for themselves from an existing moment and live in them.
So do I. I am not an extraordinary photographer. I am an ordinary one who uses most of the times her iPod or cell phone as that’s always in the backpack I carry. If I see trees glistening in the sun, I click it labeling it as a happy moment. When I see birds perched atop a fountain, I capture a moment of sigh. A moment of relief they get by quenching their thirst and cooling their bodies to fight the scorching summer sun.
Every scene around seems to tell a story. And I try my best to frame a moment as a page of the story.
I have been enjoying the 30 minutes of my day. It does cheer me up, no exaggeration.
The entire motive behind me writing this up was to tell myself and to anyone and everyone who reads this, that there’s always something small that will give you great solace. As I write this, I see flashes of Kungfu Panda- 2 before my eyes. “Inner peace!” Well, everyone seeks that, right?
I believe if I do something that I really like to do, I am inching closer to making peace with my mind. And then the mind will build for me a zone where all other tasks seem less daunting and haunting! I do agree that most of us fight with a major constraint called “time”. I have blamed not being able to do a lot of things on time. But with time I do realize that I am the one who is defining my moments throughout the day.
One of the reasons I am writing this is also because I love to write. I had for long lost the habit of writing. The amount of time I spend writing here, I feel I am actually soothing my mind! I should really take some time out for things that I really like to do.
I love food! I guess I will sign off for eating 🙂
Hope you folks enjoy reading this! 🙂
P.S. This is what I clicked today :-